The link to my rough draft for my Standard College Essay can be found here.
- Key information about your particular project that you would like anyone who peer reviews your draft to know.
This Rough Draft is my first actual piece of work right out of my outline, so please don't hesitate to tear it apart and suggest changes, ideas, even voice your opinion about the topic itself! I know it is a sensitive topic, so any suggestions on how to approach it better will help with my final draft.
- Major issues or weaknesses in the “Rough Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those weaknesses).
I guess my major issues would be dealing with technical errors such as properly doing the in-text citations. I feel like I might have also steered away from my topic a little bit, but at the same time, I feel like all that information is necessary to prove my point. In order to show that the serenades were harmless, I needed to show that Fraternity guys are not all just driven by sexual behavior and have no clue how to handle themselves as respectful gentlemen.
- Major virtues or strengths in the “Rough Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those strengths).
I think a major strength of my rough draft is that I spent a really long time on it, so I feel like it is in good shape to be fairly close to my final draft. I feel as thought I was able to get my point across with ample support, but I know there is always room for improvement.
Hey!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I think this is an excellent start for your Project 3 draft. I do have a couple of suggestions though. First, I really like the way you have integrated your quotes, but in a couple of paragraphs there isn't always a lot of explanation for each quote. Second, while some of your sentences are good at introducing the topics, they seem somewhat unnecessary when paired with the actual quote introduction such as "After scrolling through my phone for a long while, I finally had located the article that all my brothers were freaking out over."
Hope this helps!
Hey PJ!
ReplyDeleteBelow are a few suggestions for your essay, but I think you're onto a great start.
I definitely see how this paper about fraternities, and you frequently cite you and your brothers. However, you do come off as biased in your arguments. You need to defeat this as establishing yourself as unbiased and give examples as to how you're unbiased. Someone could counter this argument very easily with your affiliation with Greek Life.
Also, your quotes could use better explaining. You cite many quotes, but there are not follow-up explanations. Using these quotes actively in your arguments, rather than just citing it and leaving them will bolster the strength of your argument.
And to add to the point of Coby, there are some unnecessary parts you add in. Try and not make this essay so personal, and only include relevant parts of the information.
If you have any questions let me know!
Pj,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on the general notion that it's an exaggerated measure to take serenades away. Just to let you know though, I've been hearing that the total frat move article had discrepancies and that there isn't a ban on the serenades, except that they are being changed in someway. I don't know the facts though, for sure. Also, just in general, it's good to have your own voice and style, but maybe be sensitive/careful with some wording/phrasing for the audience. Good job!
Here's the link to my peer review post:
http://vfunsenglish.blogspot.com/2016/04/peer-review-1.html